I have a steady job that I really enjoy (it's not a utopia, but being where God wants me to be is a good feeling). I have a boyfriend whom I love deeply and know that I will spend the rest of my life with. I have a family that supports each other through love, prayers, and humor. I have a second family that loves me as their own daughter, granddaughter, niece, and cousin. I have two incredible women that I call my best friends (even though it would be nice if we lived closer). I have a lot. I am blessed.
But...that routine that I've been praying to have for the last year...now that I have it, I'm feel a little bored!
There are SO many things that I want to happen that are not happening. And I can't control that. It drives me crazy. I want to be content with how things are but it is so difficult when there is this promise of a future that I've always dreamed about.
I'm not a very patient woman. Waiting for God's timing and waiting on other people has never been my strength. But that's where I am right now...stuck in routine, waiting for something exciting to happen.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Smells Like Teen Angst
I am intimidated by high school students.
"But Emily," you say, "Aren't you a teacher of high school students?"
Yes, indeed. I am.
It's not every high school student. There are just a precious few. The ones who stare me down, blatantly do work for other classes in my class, sleep every day, subtly break dress code. I constantly interpret their stares as, "You have no idea what you are talking about and you are boring me to tears."
The good, effective teacher in me would stand up to them because, well, I am the teacher. I am the authority figure. What I say goes. And I have NO problem doing that with middle school kids. But there is something about these borderline defiant high school students that causes the effective teacher to hide and some pushover comes out and lets things slide.
It all kind of came to a head last Thursday. It was one of the worst days I've had at this school because I felt like I had no control of my classroom. And for someone who is frequently commended for excellent classroom management, this was not a good place to be. I spent the afternoon in prayer (and in tears, because that's what I do best) and decided to go back to the "First Day of School" the next day. All of my students got a refresher course in how to act in my classroom, what I expect from them, and what consequences they will face if these expectations are not met. I could tell the high schoolers hated every minute of it. But I felt like I was taking back control. It felt good. Friday was a complete 180 compared to Thursday.
I need to keep reminding myself how important it is for me to be an authority figure, not a buddy. I am 26-years-old...I do not need to befriend high school students. I have to remember that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if they "like" me...it matters that I effectively use my position of authority to teach them more about the Lord. Hopefully the intimidation will fade as I continue to gain some confidence throughout the year. So there's that...
"But Emily," you say, "Aren't you a teacher of high school students?"
Yes, indeed. I am.
It's not every high school student. There are just a precious few. The ones who stare me down, blatantly do work for other classes in my class, sleep every day, subtly break dress code. I constantly interpret their stares as, "You have no idea what you are talking about and you are boring me to tears."
The good, effective teacher in me would stand up to them because, well, I am the teacher. I am the authority figure. What I say goes. And I have NO problem doing that with middle school kids. But there is something about these borderline defiant high school students that causes the effective teacher to hide and some pushover comes out and lets things slide.
It all kind of came to a head last Thursday. It was one of the worst days I've had at this school because I felt like I had no control of my classroom. And for someone who is frequently commended for excellent classroom management, this was not a good place to be. I spent the afternoon in prayer (and in tears, because that's what I do best) and decided to go back to the "First Day of School" the next day. All of my students got a refresher course in how to act in my classroom, what I expect from them, and what consequences they will face if these expectations are not met. I could tell the high schoolers hated every minute of it. But I felt like I was taking back control. It felt good. Friday was a complete 180 compared to Thursday.
I need to keep reminding myself how important it is for me to be an authority figure, not a buddy. I am 26-years-old...I do not need to befriend high school students. I have to remember that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if they "like" me...it matters that I effectively use my position of authority to teach them more about the Lord. Hopefully the intimidation will fade as I continue to gain some confidence throughout the year. So there's that...
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Quality Time is my Love Language
Okay, this is kind of a big one. But one I'm sitting here struggling with as I type.
It's become fairly obvious to me and my man-friend that quality time is definitely my "love language." My definition of quality time is generally "no one else is in the room with us." That, my friends, is nearly an impossible feat in our lives right now.
Man-friend's family is SUPER involved in his life, in fact, Man-friend is usually the glue that holds everyone together. That said, he tends to schedule his life around them and their needs. Which is admirable, yes. A family man is a good thing. But I'm having a hard time fitting myself into that mold. Even 16 months into this relationship thing, I'm still working on how to mesh with his family and still feel that I'm getting quality time, even if it's only 10 minutes out of the day.
The insecurity comes with the feeling that if I'm only getting 10 minutes of uninterrupted Man-friend time, it's because there is something wrong with me. He'd rather spend time fixing his sister's bathroom, cooking all day with his dad, driving his grandparents around, staying late at work, etcetera etcetera than spend more than 10 minutes with just me. Even now, 5 family members are downstairs doing various tasks, in which Man-friend is involved, while I'm sitting upstairs in the office working on lesson plans for the week (and blogging). Could I be downstairs, helping with a, b, or c? Sure I could! And I'd be spending time with Man-friend AND his family. Quality time x 2! But, here I sit, stewing, because for weeks now we've been seriously lacking in what I deem as "quality time."
I know what I should do. I know that if I want to spend time with him, I need to be with him, even if that means sharing him. It shouldn't reflect on his affections toward me that he's spending more time with his family. That's my stupid insecure self sneaking up. So how do I reconcile that? How do I just get over my definition of "quality time" and go downstairs?
It's become fairly obvious to me and my man-friend that quality time is definitely my "love language." My definition of quality time is generally "no one else is in the room with us." That, my friends, is nearly an impossible feat in our lives right now.
Man-friend's family is SUPER involved in his life, in fact, Man-friend is usually the glue that holds everyone together. That said, he tends to schedule his life around them and their needs. Which is admirable, yes. A family man is a good thing. But I'm having a hard time fitting myself into that mold. Even 16 months into this relationship thing, I'm still working on how to mesh with his family and still feel that I'm getting quality time, even if it's only 10 minutes out of the day.
The insecurity comes with the feeling that if I'm only getting 10 minutes of uninterrupted Man-friend time, it's because there is something wrong with me. He'd rather spend time fixing his sister's bathroom, cooking all day with his dad, driving his grandparents around, staying late at work, etcetera etcetera than spend more than 10 minutes with just me. Even now, 5 family members are downstairs doing various tasks, in which Man-friend is involved, while I'm sitting upstairs in the office working on lesson plans for the week (and blogging). Could I be downstairs, helping with a, b, or c? Sure I could! And I'd be spending time with Man-friend AND his family. Quality time x 2! But, here I sit, stewing, because for weeks now we've been seriously lacking in what I deem as "quality time."
I know what I should do. I know that if I want to spend time with him, I need to be with him, even if that means sharing him. It shouldn't reflect on his affections toward me that he's spending more time with his family. That's my stupid insecure self sneaking up. So how do I reconcile that? How do I just get over my definition of "quality time" and go downstairs?
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